The Mary Sue
by Invader Sah
Summary: It's a bird, it's a plane, it's Roshimito! Defender of all that is yaoi, protector against the mary sues! :Today's pairing is Bartimaeus And Nathaniel. How can you not love them?: DISCONTINUED TILL FURTHER NOTICE!
1. It Begins

_Okay, I'm bad, I know. I have two in-progress stories I need to finish but I just keep putting them off. My apologies. I just needed to do something that isn't sad. So thus starts the Mary Sue series, starring Roshimito and Jane in all their retarded adventures. _

_Today's victims are none other then Nathaniel and Bartimaeus! Cause they're such a damn cute couple :winks: _

Yuko: ….You're an idiot

_Oh hush :glower: Anyways, whatever…I'll get those stories done as soon as possible. Promise! _

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bartimaeus or Nathaniel. I do, however, own Roshimito and Mary Sue Jane. But the other two belong to Jonathan Stroud; the lucky bum. I am earning absolutely nothing. Though I wish I was. **

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It had been a bad day. Thing had just gone from bad to worse, and from worse to terrible.

First he had messed up a summoning and nearly got his head shaved off by an imp, he got in a fight with the ministers, he was bitten by a crow, and then Bartimaeus decided to give him lots of backtalk (as usual).

And now there was a crazy lady sitting on his bed speaking way too quickly for his muddled mind to keep up with.

"-And then the oranges will devour all the cows and if we don't move to quickly it will be to late and Jane will get Bartimaeus and the two of you will never be together!"

Wait, what? "Huh?" Caught off guard by that last statement, the poor magician gave the girl a very confused look. "Okay, wait…first off, who are you? Second off, what do you want? Third off, how in gods name did you get in here?"

"Oh!" She smacked her forehead. "My names Roshimito, but you can call me Roshi. I want to make sure you and Bartimaeus get together. And I climbed in the window, duh!"

Okay now THAT caught his attention. "Wait, what did you just say?"

"Uuuh…I climbed in the window?"

"No before that!"

"My names Roshimito?"

"No, AFTER that!"

"You can call me Roshi?"

"NO!"

"Ooooh! You mean the 'have to make sure you and Bartimaeus get together' bit!"

"Yeah, that…WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!?"

She, AKA Roshi, rolled her eyes. "Oh come /on/ Nathaniel, everyone knows you're hot for eachother!"

"We are NOT-Wait, how do you know my name?"

Now she was looking at him as if he was the stupid one. Or maybe it's because he was wearing a really stupid shirt. "Uh, duh! I read it!" She snatched a book from her backpack and tossed it at him.

Unfortunately, Nathaniel's reflexes were a bit slow today. So the book smacked him in the face and he fell over with a thud. He was unconscious before he hit the ground.

"...Huh. This is going to be a long day." Roshimito muttered, pulling a stick out and prodding him with it. "Wonder when he'll wake up…"

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_Okay, so the beginnings a bit slow…whatever. Patience is the key! _

_Next chapter, Mary Sue Jane will (hopefully) be introduced. So R&R peeps! R&R _


	2. Quotes Are Fuun!

_Hum…so I decided to update this. Why? Because I have nothing better to do, that's why. No ones reviewed on this story but I decided to keep updating it because /I/ like it._

Yuko: You need a life…so very badly

_Oh whatever! Anyways, this chapter will probably be a bit confusing, so allow me to explain._

**Everything in bold text and underlined, like this, is Roshimito quoting something. **

_Everything in italics, as you should have already guessed, is me talking._

**Everything in just bold is the disclaimer. Obviously :sticks tongue out:**

_See? Shouldn't be too hard to understand. Yay! _

Yuko: …I hate you

_Also, I realize I promised Jane would show up in this chapter…I decided not to _

**Disclaimer: Bartimaeus and Nathaniel belong to me:smacked by Yuko: Fine, I lied. They belong to Jonathan Stroud. Roshimito is my property. So is my cat, my hedgehog, my dog :goes on listing everything that belongs to me:**

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Prod. "Quit it." Prod. "Quit it." Prod. "Quit it!" Prod. "QUIT IT!" ……..prod.

"AAAAAAAARGH!" Nathaniel snatched the closest thing to him and smacked his torturer upside the head. Poor Roshimito never saw that lamp coming.

"OW! That hurt!" Pointing accusingly at the magician the girl rubbed her head, lip stuck out in pout position. This only got her a deep scowl in response.

"I don't like being touched!" "…..Uh-huh. Okay then. Can I have my book back?" "Huh?"

Seemed his mind wasn't quite back in order. With a roll of her eyes Roshimito snatched the book she had previously tossed at Nathaniel. "Idiot." She muttered under her breath. "Okay, you wanted to know how I knew your real name. Here we go!" With flourish she flipped it open to a random page and began reading.

"Ahem. And I quote(seriously) **'The woman hovered near the table. "Arthur"…'**" Here she paused to giggle. "What a stupid name! Anyways, '**_Nathaniel's _here**' There you go! And if that's not enough…" She flipped through more pages.

"Ah, here we go! From none other then Bartimaeus' point of view. **'"So, Bartimaeus," he said, sneering. "What do you say to that?" I gave him a beaming smile. "How about you forget all that silly tin business and just trust me instead." "Not a chance." My shoulders sagged. That's the trouble, you see. No matter how hard you try, magicians always find a way to clobber you in the end. "All right, _Nathaniel_," I said. "What exactly is it that you want me to do?'**"

She shut the book with a smile. "And there it is. That's how I know your real name!"

The magician gaped at Roshimito. "…Do you spy on me or something!?"

Roshi made a face. "Ew! No way, gross! I only stalk Zim and Danny. Stalking you is Bartimaeus' job!"

Now a look of confusion appeared on his face. "….Who's Zim?"

"He's a…that's not important! Look, the fact is I know who you are, I know who Bartimaeus is, and I also know Mary Sue Jane is after the djiin and if we don't hurry she'll have him in her grasp!" Dramatic music played in the background. "Hey, where's that music coming from?"

"Why in gods name would I care what happens to Bartimaeus!?" Nathaniel threw his arms into the air, a look of annoyance spreading across his face.

With a small sigh the book was re-opened. (Yay, more quoting! By the way, these are all accurate. I have the book open beside me) "And I quote, yet again, **'In his dream, he sat in a summer garden with a woman at his side. A pleasant feeling of peace was upon him; she was talking and he was listening…' **Okay, yeah, the nothingness is killing me. I'll just skip to the good part! **'The woman's voice grew deeper; for the first time he looked in her direction…Under the mop of long blonde hair, he saw the djinni's..'**" She stopped, a look of surprise spreading across her face. "Hey look, I've been spelling it wrong! I thought it was djiin! Silly me!"

Nathaniel just gaped.

Sweat dropping, Roshimito cleared her throat and picked up where she left off. "**'…eyes, its leering mouth. The grip around his shoulders tightened, he was pulled toward his enemy. It's mouth opened-'**" She scowled. "And then you woke up! Geesh, talk about bad timing. He was just about to kiss you to!"

Now the magician looked torn between horrified and terrified. Finally he gave a shake of his head, saying the first thing that came to his mind. "What makes you think Bartimaeus is a male?"

Insert a roll of the eyes. "Duh! He talks like a male! Man are you stupid or what?"

Insert dark glare. "I'm not stupid! I have a lot more intelligence then you ever will!"

Insert innocent smile. "Idiotsaywha?"

Nathaniel blinked. "Wha?" 

"Hah, I win!" Roshimito leapt up and danced around. The poor magician just sat there and puzzled over what happened.

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**My bed, my blankets, and my Gir stuffy!**

Yuko: Oi! The chapters over. You can end the disclaimer now…

**Right! I am earning absolutely no profit from this. Thank you**

Yuko: Why won't you DIE!?

_R&R peeps! R&R! _


	3. Binoculars, Ducks, And Cheese Sticks

_Yes! I finally updated it:dances around like an idiot: The third chapter, and I've finally introduced Jane! Er…sorta. They havn't actually met her formally, but they did see her. Yeah._

_Anyways, I'm actually very surprised! 6 people have reviewed on this story! It's amazing! I was sure everyone would just see it as bad…_

Yuko:stunned silence:

_What? Don't you have anything to say?_

Yuko: …people…actually LIKE this?...What is wrong you with humans!?

_Nya:grins like an idiot:_

**Disclaimer: Do I HAVE to say this:Yuko glared: Fine fine. I don't own Bartimaeus or Nathaniel. Jonathan Stroud does. I DO own Jane and Roshi. So hands off them.**

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"Hey Nat…"

"Don't call me that!"

"What happens if you add acid to nitroglycerin?"

"What!? It would create a giant explosion!"

"Oops…" 

"What do you mean OOPS!?" The magician scrambled to his feet. Or more like attempted to. It's kind of hard to stand up when you're chained to a chair.

"I meant oops as in Organic Orphan Planet Sellers!" Roshi replied with a squeal. This earned her a very strange look.

"What…is wrong with you?" "Lots of things! Now shush, I'm spying!" She pulled a pair of binoculars out of no where, stuck her upper half out the window, and gazed out with narrowed eyes.

Nathaniel muttered darkly under his breath about being stuck with a mental patient. He was ignored.

"Hah! I found him!...what is he DOING to those ducks!?" Roshi squawked in horror, making the boys head snap up to gaze at her.

"What's he doing!?"

"Oh god! That isn't suppose to-No, not the-where in gods name did those cheese sticks come from!-oh my god." The girl dropped the binoculars and ran off to the nearest bathroom.

Now Nathaniel was very worried about what his djinni was doing. Ducks and cheese sticks…that couldn't be good.

A few minutes later Roshimito returned, looking rejuvenated and munching on a sandwich.

"Where'd that come from!?" "The fridge, duh!" "You can't just help yourself to my food!" "I just did. Watcha gonna do about it?" "I'm going to have you arrested for breaking and entering, holding me hostage, and stealing my food!" "Ohoh, I'm soo scared. Now shut up! Don't make me get the gag!"

Nathaniel snapped his mouth shut; he had a very good feeling that she wasn't kidding around.

"Thank you." Roshimito finished off the sandwich with a satisfied hum, plucked up the binoculars, and returned to spying on the deranged djinni. "Well the ducks are gone…that's good. Wait a minute…It's her!"

Springing away from the window she dashed over to Nathaniel's chair and ripped off his binds. "Here! She's the blue haired one!" She exclaimed, shoving the binoculars into the magicians hands and pushing him over to the window.

Terrified of the lengths of her insanity, Nathaniel did as he was told; gazing through the binoculars he searched for the blue haired girl.

His jaw dropped and his face took on a very odd shade of red. There, waltzing down the street in an incredibly tight yellow tank-top, was who he assumed to be Jane.

Long pale blue hair that made the very sunlight dim, a tight pair of pink spandex, and an equally tight bright yellow tank-top that showed off her overly large chest.

Nathaniel dropped the binoculars in utter horror, attempting to stop the nose bleed coming on. "Dear god, what IS she!?"

Though happy that the magician wasn't some drooling idiot and could see Jane for what she really was, Roshi just frowned grimly and picked up the binoculars.

"She's anything she wants to be." The girl stated simply, gazing out the window again. "Depends on what her mission is." A small sigh escaped her lips and she looked at Nathaniel with an almost sad expression.

"By the looks of it…she's decided to go a djinni."

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_Hope you like it everyone!_

Yuko:muttering to self: Everyones insane! They have to be! No one can actually like this!

_Thanks for making Yuko eat his own words:snirks: R&R peeps! R&R_


	4. Cat Fight! Without the cats

_Yes! I finally got it up! Sorry it took so long…its actually been done for quite a while, I just got lazy and kept putting off uploading it. Heh :sweatdrops:_

Yuko: …..:passed out:

_Oh, don't mind him. He's just in shock so many people liked "this piece of crap story". :coughs: Except for that one person who didn't…Woot:roasts marshmallows and sings to self:_

**Disclaimer: …..Do I still have to say this:silence cause Yuko's passed out: ….Awsome!**

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"Come'on come'on! Move it move it move it move it!"

"I'm moving it! At least let me grab a jacket!" "No time! We gotta go now!"

With a loud slam and a small curse, Nathaniel found himself standing outside the building he had just been so rudely shoved out of. "…huh. What just happened?"

"I pushed you out of your fancy pansy office, that's what just happened! Now get MOVING! We have to get to Bartimaeus before Jane does!" Roshi exclaimed, pushing the protesting magician along.

"Why didn't you just get me to summon him!?" "….didn't think of that. No time now!" "Ugh! Why did I agree to this!?" "….Actually, I don't think you did. It just kind of happened." "I hate you." "Glad to hear it! OI, DJINNI BOY!"

Bartimaeus head snapped up so sharply his neck cracked. "Who what when where!?" He yelped, barely managing to stop himself from falling into the water fountain he was perched on. "Oh!...It's just Natty boy. And who's this pretty lady?"

"You flatter me. My names Roshimito, Roshi or Get-away-from-me-you-insane-girl-I-do-NOT-love-Bartimaeus!" The more then slightly unbalanced girl beamed at him.

"Wait, what?" The djinni blinked in bewilderment.

"You took the words RIGHT out of my mouth…" Nathaniel muttered darkly.

Roshi giggled insanely. "Don't worry, I'm sure he'll replace them with something MUCH more pleasant."

Her perverted comment was rewarded with two blank looks and the bad pun-banana hitting her in the forehead. "Oi oi! What's all this then? I didn't even MAKE a pun!" She protested loudly to the cruel treatment.

"…she's nuts!" Bartimaeus shouted.

"Yup, completely and totally off her rocker." Nathaniel agreed with a sad nod of his head. "But unfortunately she's also adequate at tying knots and pulling things out of thin air."

"…….huh?" "Never mind."

Roshi continued to pout, and thus didn't notice the doom approaching until it was to late.

A voice that sounded like melted chocolate oozed into the air, practically dripping with seductiveness. "Hello Barty hun-YOU!"

Roshi squawked, springing to her feet at the accusation. "YOU!" She cried out in return, jabbing a finger at the person also jabbing a finger at her.

"Who's she?" "Which one?" "The blue haired one who looks like some kind of doll or something." "Oh. I do believe Roshi called her Jane." "Ah."

"What are YOU doing here!?" "My names Roshi, not YOU thank you very much!" The two girls were shooting daggers at eachother.

"….so….see any good shows lately?" "Are you actually trying to have civilized convertation with me?" "Uuuh….yes?" "….no. I have little time for TV shows." "Right. The whole 'big shot' thing. Psh. Stupid magicians." "Shut up djinni!" "Yes sir!"

Bartimaeus mock saluted and Nathaniel ground his teeth. "Stupid arrogant demon!" "THAT'S IT!"

"No fighting you two!" "Don't hurt my Barty-hunny!"

"WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL HIM!?" Roshi yelled.

"WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME!?" Bartimaeus yelled.

Snicker. "Barty-hunny." Nathaniel chuckled to himself.

"Don't call him that!" Jane shrieked, pointing at the magician and using her djinni powers to light the ground under his feet on fire.

"Wholy crap!" He sprang backwards and dove behind Bartimaeus, who under the magicians spell had to protect him even if he didn't want to. Which he did. Because it gave him an excuse to throttle the moron who DARED call him Barty-hunny.

"Stay away from him!" Bartimaeus growled, bracing himself against the ground.

Jane pouted cutely. "Aaaaw, I know you can't hurt me Barty-hunny!"

"THAT'S IT!" Prior to popular belief, it wasn't the djinni who throttled Jane. Nor, unfortunately, was it Nathaniel. Nope; Roshimito pounced on the girl and started a cat fight.

"….Wow….she also covers as a nice bodyguard!" Bartimaeus nodded approvingly.

Nathaniel just muttered darkly to himself about being surrounded by mental patients.

Unfortunately this time he wasn't ignored. "I am not mental!" The djinni glowered at him. Nathaniel glared right back.

So thus started the glaring contest, while the two girls continued scratching and biting eachother in the background.

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_There we go. Hope it was worth the wait!_

Yuko: ….:still passed out:

_Hah! Alright, R&R peeps, as always. Love you:blows kisses:_


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